Sunday, August 10, 2014

"If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"

I imagine there comes a point in every one's life where it becomes necessary to draw upon an inner strength you never knew you had, simply because there is no other choice.

I don't know if this place is the same for everyone. For me it was almost holy, meditative, a sacred space, & also, like being engulfed in fire.  It was going so far inside myself that I was floating above.

From there, we looked like two birds locked in a bubble, holding hands & I had fallen & I was hot, very hot.  & the fact that I was hot seemed to be the easiest feeling to grasp beyond your hands not letting go. Everything loud & unbearably vivid, & also, trance-like.

I don't remember if my eyes were open or closed, & I don't remember what the people talking to me said, only that there was a voice reverberating from within telling me to breathe, breathe, though I was panicked, & your hands were warm. & still, I don't understand & I understand at once how one can be so calm & so scared simultaneously.

The calm told me "if a woman can birth a baby, you can do this."  & I did, though honestly, I had no other choice.  You will find you can do anything if you will it, especially when you're pushed past your limits.

I'm sure it wasn't that graceful.  I'm sure I was more like a deer, panic-stricken by the sudden oncoming of headlights & then - slam of metal - & there was definitely a lot of profanity involved &, I heard tell, I was a demanding ass of a passenger on my first ambulance ride. (I'm sorry, dear helpers, whoever you are. You were saints & I was out of my mind).

I'm not telling this because I want you to feel sorry me.  Everyone deals with hardship in one form or another, no one is immune to life's unexpected accidents.  I'm telling it because I've always written, because it's my way of problem-solving.  & it helps to share, helps to know that others might find some familiarity in my words, or else, that they might see something entirely new because of them.

I'm telling this because sometimes it's as if I'm transported back to that moment where I plummet, again and again and again.

& that, I've got to let go of.  Because I know, deep down in that sacred space, that there is no winning if fear is in control. so, I must find that inner calm & learn to cradle it, learn to be it.

I'm telling this because I have no choice, it has to come out.

Sometimes I feel like I have lived a thousand lives, & in this one I am still a child - eyes wise & wild. still, I am old enough to know, I know nothing at all. But I'm learning. I know that time moves differently depending on the day.  Know it's possible to be both happy & sad, brave & scared.  & that's called being human.  Or better, that's called being.

& I like this being thing. No matter what life throws.  I know I am lucky, & loved.  I know I can be brave.  I know that whatever I desire resides within me, that I have the power to will it if I really want it.

On Friday, after 2+ months of being wheelchair bound I stood.  & then I walked with Ursula's walker & my new leg-braces.  & believe-you-me, I was beyond scared, but I did it anyway.  Because I know that everything I want is a step outside my comfort zone.

& I am willing.  With each slow step, I will walk outside my comfort zone, & then I will dance.

& that's Redbrick fire, & it's fueled by me & it's fueled by you.  & for that, I am thankful.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

"I think of the trees & how easily they let go"

I drove South with tears in my eyes, Lorde crooning loudly as the drops fell. I cried for a loss of love, a loss of control. I cried out of fear, of being such a tiny girl in this big old world. & when my eyes couldn't continue, the sky took up the task. a soul cleansing. what a release, to let go. 

this past year has been a huge lesson in desire vs action.  because, baby, I've had dreams.  grand beautiful dreams of mountainsides & farmlands, of Portland, & holding one man's hand 'til the end.  but a dream isn't enough, no, a dream is just a pretty thing.  there has to be action.

it all came undone.  one after another those pretty little dreams fell to the ground like moths with over-beaten wings. how it hurt, how I felt felled. & still, the world seemed achingly bright & clear, like a North Carolina springtime early in the day, after a fresh rain.  so startlingly vivid, so alive.

I left swimming sea turtle blue walls & the home we had built filled with all those memories, all that love & all that ache. or, more, I was a baby bird, fallen fresh from the nest. & I was welcomed with open arms by Ian & Maggs to a house on the lake, way out in the country.  I can't explain my gratitude, it is endless.  because there, in their warm embrace, on the silence of the lake, with the pottery wheel, & all those deer, & the wind whispering & howling, & the music always playing, & my limbs wildly dancing, I was healed.

see, I've been dancing the dance of the grouse & talking with the wind.  I quit my job. I sought solace in the medicinal powers of music. I went to every live show that presented itself.  I was cleansed in mud at Shakori Hills, song after song beating through my bones, rain falling down. & I was warm, fire burning inside my soul despite the outside cold. & in Asheville, Moses Sumney made the crowd go "shhhh" & our breath looped & looped & chills crept over my body, my heart bared on my chest for when Local Natives took the stage & wooed me. then in Greensboro, Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band taught my limbs to dance in a way I never knew I could. see, through music, I've been freed.  

today I am in Florida, learning to be present, to live in the moment.  when the sun sets, I sit in the grass with the pup, watch the trees, listen to the breeze.

I don't know where I'm going, I don't have a plan.  one of my current mantras is "I think of the trees & how easily they let go" & I am trying hard to follow it, to hand over the reins & trust that if I follow my love, this magical universe will guide me.